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Bowling Green Preview and Prediction
By Galloping Grapes
Matchup: Bowling Green State University Falcons (0-2) at Northwestern Wildcats (1-1)
Date: Saturday, September 16, 2017, 6:30 p.m. CDT
TV: Big Ten Network
Line: Northwestern (-21.5)
Outlook: After a horrific debacle at the hands of
the demonically cerulean Dookies last weekend, you might be wondering
how in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks could NU be a 3-touchdown favorite
against anybody. Did the Vegas oddsmakers confuse us (again) with the
powerhouse Northeastern University Huskies? Did the copy editor in
charge of the sports page accidentally use a (-) rather than a (+), or
maybe misplace a decimal, when proofing the betting lines? Perhaps our
athletic department paid a hefty appearance fee to schedule the co-ed
intermural team from the Icelandic International Dwarf College?
Nope. The ‘Cats are simply playing the anagrammatically tempting BGSU
Bugs. And despite being a historically frisky MAC team (and 2-0
all-time vs. Northwestern!!), the Bugs this year stink like a dirty,
dirty rat riding a poop log through a Czechoslovakian sewer tunnel.
This clash of pigskin titans requires very little football acumen to
preview, which is perfect for me. All I had to do was spend today’s
train commute jotting down as many insect-related notes, comments and
pop culture references as I could think of in an admittedly childish
(and, I suspect, warmly anticipated) attempt to entertain the literal
dozen of you fine readers of this email/blog/extended tweet. It was a
very exciting commute, in my mind at least. I psyched myself up by
watching YouTube clips from Starship Troopers. “Aim for the nerve
stem.” “The only good bug is a dead bug!” “Would you like to know
more?” I considered previewing the game using only references to rock
bands with bug names. The Beatles meet the Crickets; or the Scorpions
battle Iron Butterfly—ooh, an In-A-Gadda-Da-Vita parody! Or do I
somehow work in Adam & the Ants? Did the Bee Gees name themselves
after actual bees? Is Papa Roach an insect, or a pot reference? It
seemed too obvious, too easy, to spend 750 words laying into the
accordion-riffed “Bugs” as unquestionably the worst Pearl Jam song
ever. I could re-write the opening chapter of Kafka’s “Metamorphosis”
but with Bugs Bunny recast in the Gregor Samsa role, and fill in as
supporting characters dead mobsters named Bugsy (not including Bugsy
Malone, who was not a real mobster, but rather a pre-Happy Days Scott
Baio frolicking with Jodie Foster in a musical montage of happy
memories and whipped cream splurge guns). No idea how I would work in a
Northwestern football angle but, honestly, I’m not sure it would matter.
And then I realized that Bowling Green’s football men are not
officially (or even unofficially as far as I can tell) referred to as
the Bugs. Dammit.
So, it’s the Bowling Green Falcons. Falcons are much cooler than bugs.
And that’s if they are named after the birds, and not something even
cooler, like the Millennium Falcon. Honestly, that would be kick-ass,
to have the Millennium Falcon on your team helmets, and maybe instead
of running out of a tunnel before the game, come storming off the ramp
of the fastest starship in the galaxy. Pretty tough to parody that.
That team might go undefeated.
Right, Bowling Green. The last time NU played the “Falcons” was in
2003, in Detroit at the Motor City Bowl. Eddie Vedder’s fake cousin
& I made the trip, somehow miraculously convincing our wives it was
totally reasonable to leave at 4:30 a.m. the day after Christmas to go
see a minor league bowl game featuring a 6-6 Northwestern team. In
Detroit. Which NU lost. Fun trip, bad game, and we ended up driving
south to get to Canada for poutine.
Considering the quality of play exhibited last weekend, NU might be
fortunate to play someplace as awesome as Detroit this year. But as bad
as the ‘Cats looked last weekend, they are still miles better than
the Bugs, er, the Falcons. And the talent that we were excited about 3
weeks ago is still there, somewhere, I think. Hey, it’s even possible
that Duke is actually, you know, good this year. Our super-secret
inside sources report that Fitz has been spending the week getting the
team jacked up on Jolt cola and video clips of Neil Patrick Harris
wrecking a space insect via machine gun. (And hopefully the secondary
stays healthy and Justin Jackson gets more carries on Saturday than
Adrian Peterson gets on Sunday). Still, even facing a crappy team that
is just barely tougher than a bye week, I must admit that I can’t
remember the last time NU covered against a MAC team. Heck, NU
struggles to cover any non-conference games lately, much less sucker
spreads like this one.
Pick: Not quite the Bowling Green Massacre, but then again, literally nothing is. NU 34, BGSU 16. Wildcats win but fail to cover.
Season to Date: 1-1 ATS, 1-1 Straight up
The Lowes Line is an
e-mailed description of NU's
next
football game, with an invariably fearless prediction of the outcome
and
how NU will fare against what the other "experts" predict. Our
good
friend and Brother Marcus Lowes began the broadcast mailing in 1996.
The crack Lowes Line Staff (alumni Jersey Cat,
GallopingGrapes, Eric Cockerill, Joel Kanvik, Charlie Simon, and
MO'Cats) have continued the Line in memory of Marcus.
For
the 2017 season it has returned to HailToPurple.com,
for anyone to enjoy. Thanks to the gridiron brain trust at the Lowes
Line!
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