Matchup: Illinois Fighting Illini (5-6, 2-5) at Northwestern Wildcats (5-6, 3-4)
Date: Saturday, November 29, 2014, 11:00 am CST
Where: Ryan Field, Evanston, Illinois
Weather: Butt-Puckeringly Cold, But Not Technically Freezing
TV: ESPNU (Motto: "We Televise Pillow Fights So ABC Won't Have To.")
Line: Northwestern (-8; o/u 52) (o/u on the use of the word "awesome" in this preview is 6.5)
Outlook: Am
I really going to be on the edge of my seat for a game on the “U”
between two sub-.500 teams trying to get even so they can go play a MAC
team in a middling bowl on Boxing Day? Answer:
Yes, I will be the bad dad sitting in the bleachers, allowing the
WatchESPN app to drain my phone battery during my son’s first hoops
game of the season, yelling and cheering and groaning at completely
inappropriate points while 5th/6th graders
struggle to break the elusive 30-point barrier in a CYO game refereed
by a retired Sunday school teacher with bad arches and high-water black
polyester pants.
This is the sixth year of the Land of Lincoln Trophy Series, with NU leading 3-2. Beat
Illinois, and the Wildcats can at least boast about one winning record
this season, limited as it may be to a made-up politically correct
battle for a bronzed Hat. I literally do not know one substantive thing about Illinois. The
Illini are so fundamentally irrelevant to my worldview that I have not
bothered to Google anything about their pathetic team. They are the White Lion of college football. And it is an Absolute Truth of the Universe that White Lion Sucks.*
I feel bad about Trevor Siemian ending his college career with an injury. I
think he was a very significant reason NU won its last couple of games
(and possibly also a reason NU lost a few games earlier this season). On balance, he will be missed, and I think if NU loses to the Illini it will be due to Trevor’s absence. Let the Zack Oliver/Matt Alviti era begin. Like everybody else, I am unreasonably excited about Justin Jackson (or, Future Denver Broncos Running Back Justin Jackson). He’s gonna bust up the Illini tomorrow. That should be the entire preview. FDBRBJJ will be awesome and NU will cover the spread. The
Wildcats finish a glorious 6-6 and head to Detroit, or Dallas, where
they will play in a mid-week bowl game sponsored by homogenous food
products that go down easy with cheap yellow pseudo-lager. Win
or lose in late December, NU alumni will enjoy the next few months of
college basketball (is Coach Collins 1 or 2 years away from the
Tournament? I say 2.), ladies’ lacrosse, and fevered anticipation of
another football season.
Pick: When the Illini cry/Let them know we tried/’Cause when the Illini sing/Then the new world begins. (Cripes, those lyrics suck, don’t they? #WhiteLionSucks)
NU 31, Illinois 20. Take the ‘Cats, lay the points.
(Season to Date – 4-7 SU, 3-8 ATS)
* Not to get caught up in a tangent, but let’s talk about just how much White Lion Sucks. First, some context. I am an unabashed fan of that genre of music that falls within the broader confines of “Hair Metal.” The
stuff that we played in the KAVE on The Blaze FM and that evolved from
bands like The Ramones (“If you can’t play it well, just play it
fast”), The New York Dolls, KISS, and Aerosmith (when they weren’t
sober); mated with Van Halen (perhaps the coolest band ever, but never
a true hair band); then dipped in a little Black Sabbath, UFO, Deep
Purple and Motorhead; with a sprinkle of Alice Cooper** on top. When
this mix came together right, you got the best of the Sunset Strip
bands: Motley Crue, Quiet Riot, Ratt and, later, Guns N’ Roses; or the
best of the East Coast: Cinderella, Poison, Skid Row, Winger.*** Some of the best metal bands showed you their roots. Quiet
Riot, for example, released the first metal album to hit #1, but was
basically a Slade cover band (with an all-time great lead guitarist who
left before QR dropped their first U.S. album so he could launch Ozzy’s
solo career before dying and inspiring the first and best metal tribute
album). Even when they play in arenas, bands like Bon Jovi and AC/DC are really just kick-ass bar bands. I can’t envision White Lion playing in a bar (maybe a wine bar). As far as I’m concerned, White Lion's greatest stage performance was in the background behind Tom Hanks in “The Money Pit.”
[** Speaking of Alice Cooper, why
doesn’t Taylor Swift just embrace her musical destiny and record a
cover of “Poison” already? Man, that video would make Beavis
& Butthead get up and dance.]
[***Yes, Winger, so eff you Lars. Winger
was awesome, and if you doubt it, all you need to do is ask C.F. Kip
Winger himself. He’ll tell you exactly, to the micrometer, how awesome
he still is.]
It is possible that my enmity towards White Lion is slightly irrational. Let’s be honest, a lot of the stuff on Sirius/XM’s Hair Nation channel doesn’t really hold up almost 30 years later. Still,
I can’t help but enjoy the hell out of Y&T's “Summertime Girls”
(mostly for the goofball video and 8-foot tall robot), and I freely
embrace the ridiculous embarrassment of blasting that tune with the
windows down. There are plenty of horrible
bands and songs from that era that almost make White Lion look
subjectively not horrible (even if White Lion is, indeed, objectively
horrible). A good example is Europe’s “The Final Countdown” which deserves its fate in college a capella anthem hell. Maybe that’s one good thing you could say about White Lion – they weren’t responsible for “The Final Countdown.” They also weren’t responsible for the Black Death in the 14th Century, but that's not something to go around bragging about.
My 10-year-old is learning the guitar, and, as a long-time air guitar virtuoso, I have tried to impart some wisdom to him. Learn to play “Photograph” and I will pay for college. Learn to play Scorpions’ “Still Loving You” and he will never lack for lady friends (euphemism alert). But
if I catch him playing any White Lion, I will break his axe into
kindling and gouge out his guitar teacher's eye with a thumb pick.
At least I'm raising children with values--when they hear the first few
notes of "Wait" on the radio, I get a chorus of shouted "Dad! White
Lion! Change it! Change it!" My intense hatred of that song is reflected back on Mike Tramp and the rest of the goobers in his travesty of a band. It is the whiniest damn song in rock history. It’s like Gilbert & Sullivan tried to write a power ballad, with a castrato Eeyore on lead vocals.
I think we can acknowledge that most metal songs display an unhealthy obsession with carnality. Or they’re about getting loaded. Or both. For the most part, however, the majority of power ballads are surprisingly sappy. But the sad-sack cringing and begging in “Wait” makes one long for the blatant misogyny of Whitesnake’s “Slide It In.” Say
what you will about Gary Cherone’s attempt to murder Van Halen, but
when he tried to talk a girl into sleeping with him at least he didn’t
beg.**** And don’t get me started on “When The Children Cry.” You make me cry, White Lion. You want a rock anthem for world peace? Try the Scorpions “Winds of Change.” You
know, a good song that might really have ended the Cold War, by Germans
who lived in the shadow of the Berlin Wall and ICBMs, not another
whiney song about and by a weeping Danish-New Yorker prettyboy.***** Heck, even their cover of a good Golden Earring song sucked.
[**** Extreme’s “More Than Words” is
not a love song ladies, it’s a dude tying to get into a girl’s pants
using the classic “but if you REALLY love me…” technique.]
[***** I will acknowledge that Mike Tramp is pretty. Not quite Lita Ford pretty, but not bad for a guy. In
a ranking of good-looking rock chicks, you start with the girl from the
Billy Idol “Cradle of Love” video, then Tawny Kitaen rolling around on
David Coverdale’s Jaguar, the chemistry teacher in Van Halen’s “Hot for
Teacher” and, a few steps further down, Sebastian Bach.]
So, there you have it. Kick back for the game with a beer and a playlist of hair metal hits. Try
some classic Slade ("Slam The Hammer Down", "My Oh My"), a heavy dose
of Motley Crue, mix in some Tesla and the entire Blizzard of Ozz and
Bark At The Moon albums, maybe The Quireboys’ “7 O’Clock” for some
later British blues/metal rock, before mixing in some guitar heroes
like Steve Vai (“The Audience Is Listening”) and Michael Schenker Group. If you're an insufferable pedant, queue up your Yngwie Malmsteen CD (kidding, sorta). Go
easy on the headbanging to Judas Priest, don’t be afraid to enjoy Ace
Frehley without his bandmates, and crank up the volume when Autograph
starts. You could even embarrass yourself shaken'
it to Warrant's "Cherry Pie" when nobody is looking--especially if you
have Vevo. But steer clear of White Lion, please. They are the opposite of Great White, who are awesome. They are the nasty rind on the Brie cheese of hair metal. They are the Illinois of B1GTen rock. White Lion Sucks.
