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Air Willie
At Large
Created
2/1/03
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Air Willie?
Air Willie Rocks!
So
misunderstood. Here is brilliance, yet we see it not.
Photo by Alaskanwildcat
Many
students and fans have grumbled about the looming, surreal presence of
Northwestern's
newest mascot, Air Willie. His detractors have derided his
happy-go-lucky,
silly appearance and have threatened him in all vile manners. To
them,
I simply mutter, "you heartless bastards! Have you no
appreciation
for what this mascot with a heart of helium has brought to
Northwestern??"
Apparently they do not. And so, I now offer my list of the
most
important reasons for keeping Air Willie:
- The
Spirit Team learns a valuable lesson from Air Willie every game.
They've
grown so much, spiritually, since 2001, and it's all due to His
Inflatedness.
- He
has proven to be a loyal and enjoyable companion for "regular" Willie,
providing
a bond of friendship that Willie's previous trysts with Willimina and
the
San Diego Chicken failed to attain. Remember how depressed Willie
was
after the administration stripped him of his necktie and morphed him
into
Wily Coyote? Haven't you noticed how much happier Willie is, now
that
he can frolic with his bloated buddy?
- If
one inhales Air Willie's flatulence deeply enough, one's voice takes on
a
ridiculous, high-pitched, cartoonish sound. Come on, people:
what's
cooler than that?
- Air Willie's Joe Cocker
imitation is even better than the late John Belushi's.
- Who in Hell else is able
to stop opposing running backs?
- Haven't
you seen the reaction of small children to Air Willie? Haven't
you
seen their little eyes light up and widen? Haven't you seen their
little
mouths go uncontrollably slack? (editor's note: sure, their
reactions
could be due to sheer, unspeakable terror, but who cares? It's
still
a riot!)
- As
a critical component of Ryan Field's beefed up security measures, Air
Willie
is our first weapon, and on the front-line defense against anyone
bringing
into the stadium unauthorized cameras, purses, or marshmallows.
- After
your fourth peyote button, you could easily confuse Air Willie for
wacky
NBC weatherman Willard Scott. Hey, everyone loves Willard!
- His Mick Jagger imitation
is even better than Mick Jagger's.
- Damnit, he may be a
spastic, tourette's-addled, jerky bag of convulsions, but he's the
best surgeon that we have! And he's our only hope of
saving Spock, Jim!!
- We've already paid
for the mooring poles on top of the stadium towers. Might as well
get some use out of them.
- Air
Willie's releasing of hundreds of tiny, brown helium balloons at the
end
of each game, an act to be known as "Air Litter," will become a time
honored
and beloved school tradition.
- He
is the key element in a very cool drinking game: Step one-- fill
Air
Willie with Everclear and grape Jell-O. Step two-- drop from top
of
Crown Clock Tower. Step three-- repeat as necessary.
Bottoms
up!
- The Council on Foreign
Relations would be lost without Air Willie's well-timed and clandestine
advice.
- To use a PBS analogy:
who else could make Dr. Who's Day of the Daleks look like
Upstairs, Downstairs?
- We just cannot eke out
enough juvenile sexual jokes with our regular Willie.
- And the number one reason
to keep Air Willie: the Pickle Boat needs as much buoyancy as it
can possibly get!
 Willie's in trouble, being
beaten by the Falcon. Air Willie to the rescue!
Or, maybe not....
Photo by the Stilles
With apologies to The Onion...
The
following images mysteriously appeared one morning, a few days ago.
They
seem to show NU's inflated mascot, Air Willie, caught in several candid
moments.
Since no explanation was given to me, I will attempt no
explanation
here.
This page is sponsored by Nike:
...If you were impressed by Air Jordan,
you'll be blown away by....
Just, do it?
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