Match-up:  Northwestern Wildcats (5-5, 4-3) at Minnesota Golden Gophers (7-3, 4-3)
Date:  Saturday November 19, 2016, 2:30 pm CST
TV:  BTN
Line:  NU (-3)
 
Outlook:  This week’s edition of the Lowes Line, much like this season’s edition of the Northwestern Wildcats football season, lacks a cohesive narrative theme.  It is not unlike Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates – half-eaten by the time he gifts them to the lovely yet doomed Jenny.  The Line’s season-to-date record tells a brutal story.  We can’t predict for beans.  We might as well convert this into a cooking blog with tasty how-to videos, so I can share my Thanksgiving recipe for smoked bacon-wrapped turkey cutlets stuffed with cranberry relish, jalapenos and cheddar, with a side of port wine and butter engorged cranberries.  (I like cranberries.)  (I also like the word “engorged.”)
 
Dammit, now I’m distracted and hungry.  All I can think about is that gophers are delicious.  Here’s a good recipe for BBQ Gopher à la Tork.
 
First, kill some gophers.  Do not use poison, because poison tastes like sh*t coming off the grill.  Skin ‘em, bone ‘em, chop off their tiny feet and heads, rub ‘em inside and out with EV olive oil and a nice blend of Hungarian paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, cumin, ancho and guajillo chili powders, kosher salt, black pepper and honey powder, stuff ‘em with a mix of chopped bell peppers, Spanish onion, shallot, orange zest, garlic and shredded mozzarella, wrap ‘em up tight in hillbilly prosciutto (that is, store-brand thin-sliced bacon), throw them on the smoker at 225 for 2-3 hours, brush ‘em with a tiny bit of maple syrup and crack a touch of black pepper on ‘em, then finish ‘em on a hot grill for 2-3 minutes just to blacken the edges of the bacon.  Drink bourbon whiskey.  Find somebody to love.  Fall asleep and check the score of the Northwestern game on Sunday morning.
 
Hey, the ‘Cats won!  Bowl eligible!!
 
Pick: Northwestern 37, Minnesota 25.  A mathematically unlikely final score, but Gopher meat tastes gud.
 
Season to date:  3-6 SU, 2-6-1 ATS